Misdirection and Constipation

Recently I experienced an event that caused me to reactively feel myself falling back into what I viewed as “over-sensitive little softy”-mode.  Something I thought I had dealt with fully.  It’s become clear to me that the way I manage the actions of this “oversensitive little softy”, still may require some substantial development.

See I’ve enrolled myself into a business school to try and ascertain ways of

1.  actually doing something meaningful with my life that I truly enjoy and find fulfillment in, instead of something soul-crushing for the sake of easily paying the bills, and

2.  something thus meaningful that is indeed also financially sustainable not only for myself, but also for my clients, customers, and followers.

The idea behind this is to become able to move out of the “rat-race”, and have something exciting to wake up to every morning, something that makes my heart sing, and something that I am deservedly rewarded for, in true authenticity and integrity.

So far, the actual curriculum is proving to be wildly beyond my expectations to these ends, so I am hugely grateful for having plucked up the courage to lay down what is for me a significant capital investment into my education, in the trust that the return on investment in education is never really wasted (worse case), and often exponentially more valuable than the initial investment (best case).

However, while I knew that the course was unique in that it looks into areas of being in business that goes beyond the actual “being in business” part itself, meaning it touches upon individual habits, states of being, ways of approaching situations, etc, with the view on encouraging socially conscious practices for the betterment of all, I had not anticipated in my wildest dreams that I would meet someone on this course, a specific individual, that would cause my heart to skip a beat ten times over as well.

Low and behold, this same person has seen it fit to not only accept my request to connect on a personal level, but to take it one step further and also connect on a mutually supportive level in terms of the course-work itself.

You see, just like the previous Life Transformational Workshops I’ve attended last year, this Business School also employs a Buddy system, as a means of encouraging the students to take accountability for their actions, responsibilities, and come face to face with their own level of commitment to the course itself.  In theory, and indeed in practice, this system works extremely well – I can attest to it personally both in terms of my experience with last year’s workshops, as well as this Business School.

Already in the very first week of the school I’ve made some major breakthroughs within myself in terms of how to approach the idea of wanting to make the world a better place, in tandem with actually being sustainably rewarded for that effort.  While the course-work certainly plays an enormous part in this, the impact of the buddy system can not be down-played.

The funny thing is, I never intended to connect with a buddy in this program.  Even when I saw the option for it being explained, and even while I knew of the tremendous value it holds for self-transformation (provided one engages fully).  This lack of intention in itself spoke of an inefficient habit I needed to work with more, and my realization of the persistent presence of this “lack of intention”-habit, caused me to take action and accept the request, despite other personally intense feelings.

My experience with my previous workshops from last year (I may or may not divulge more information regarding them in another post), has shown me that sometimes life presents an opportunity that appears both scary and exciting at the same time, and that usually, the more beneficial option is to grab the opportunity with both arms.  This is exactly what this was, and exactly what I did.

Henceforth, when I went ahead and accepted the request to connect as accountability buddy’s on this course with this particular person, I knew in that moment that huge personal transformation is on its way to me.  Of course the exact manner in which this might take place, whether good or bad, I could not know.  I still don’t.

How could I, when the course has barely started, as did my connection with this person? Yet, within the space of a week I’ve already made some important adjustments to my current hugely sedentary, isolating lifestyle.  The details of these are unimportant here, but what is important for me, and the real subject of this post, is the following…

As it tends to happen with me fairly without fail, and especially since I completed the workshops last year, whenever I make any sort of emotional, mental, or physical investment into connecting with another human being, I literally expose myself to the bone, in ways that aren’t always apparent in the beginning even to me.

It’s so subtle sometimes that I would be having a conversation with someone I knew for a long time without any real outwardly apparent deep involvement, and I may suddenly find myself utterly vulnerable to that person within the space of a single sentence uttered at a specific time, in a specific way.  The trigger and resulting internal intensity is undeniable.

Most of the time they, the other persons, won’t know it either, and this may be true even when previously conversations may have been had that to any casual ear might point toward really powerful dynamics between me and the other person, when in fact they may have been mere preliminary attempts at getting to know each other in fun and humorous ways.

The thing is, I truly don’t know how to not be sincere.  There really is no other way for me.  And yet, it seems the most common method in society today for two people to get to know each other is by way of superficial sugar coating of each other’s most popularly prominent strengths.

The pervasive commonality of this method causes true sincere souls to be taken advantage of and ridiculed more often than not, resulting in persistent underlying insecurity and doubt as to who the other truly sincere beings out there are, and who aren’t.

So the sensitive sincere soul tends to shut down a little more in one way or another with each disappointing interaction with other beings that are hoped to be soul-siblings, but in the end is found to simply not be.  A logical and understandably self-protective mechanism you’d be inclined to think, for sure.

Eventually the sensitive sincere soul shuts down so far, or twists and skews it’s own outward projection so much, that the truly sincere sensitivity at it’s core is no longer visible to other beings – even to other truly sincere sensitive souls.

The result?  They end up living isolated, self-protective lives that traps them in perpetual loneliness, even when among groups of close friends and family that, on the surface, seem to understand them, when in fact it’s truly not the case.  And the most sad of all, is that it can easily happen that such groups contain two or even more such souls, without them even realizing their kinship in each other, simply due to their own tightly constructed barriers against the “evil ones”.

So what is the result of this tightly lipped and bottled up sensitivity?  Emotional Misdirection and Constipation, of course.

Either the facade is built so twisted and strange so as to cause no one outside to ever have a clue about the truly vulnerable, pure, kind, and sincere soul within, even going to such lengths as to sometimes project the complete opposite so others may be held at bay and made wary to not “mess” with the being inside.  Emotional Misdirection.

Or, the facade becomes a towering, rock-hard, ice-cold, and impenetrable castle, surrounded by a massive moat so as to render the soul inside completely unreachable from the outside.  Emotional Constipation.

In both instances, the poor gem inside persistently cries and sobs in it’s self-created loneliness, secretly praying for the one hero that would smash down the barriers so created in order to free the soul inside.

We all know, such heroes are few, and very far between.

But why have I gone on this tangent, you may ask, and how does this pertain to my involvement with this business school and my connection with this exceptional human being?  Good question.  And here is the answer, in the form of a question:

What would happen, do you think, when two such truly sensitive and sincere souls meet, within an environment conducive and encouraging of complete surrender to the process of self-transformation and, in this same spirit of full participation and commitment, choose to fully expose themselves to each other, regardless?  Truly, what would happen, when two such souls find that in the moment of their vulnerability, they find another vulnerable, sincere soul looking back at them?

Would they embrace each other, regardless of circumstance, would they freeze in terror of the surprise in actually finding the type of person they’ve long been looking for, and turn tail and flee back into their respective shells, or would they end up completely destroying each other…?

Add to this the self-imposed commitments by both these individuals to work together on a mutually beneficial project with clear rules and expectations, thereby placing a high measure of pressure into dealing with the full spectrum of person-person dynamics within this tightly structured environment, all while they both feel drawn to continue with both the personal as well as the educational/professional dynamics.

Indeed.  What – Would – Happen….?

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